insanity!

I am so overwhelmed I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I think I am having panic attacks. I am short of breath and my heart is continually racing. I don't even know what to say. I am going to spend this long weekend trying to get everything caught up. Everything seems SO HARD right now. boo.

completely overwhelmed

I am really overwhelmed with work right now, I am really overwhelmed with life right now, and that I am DIABETIC. hello!!! Last night I think I forgot who I was, and how I am supposed to eat. I stopped on the way home at chik fil a and ordered a chicken nugget combo meal, that came with french fries. I ate it without a thought, and without even thinking about a shot before hand! I realized as I was driving away that I had done that. When I got home my blood sugar was 460! So I had a snack so I could take some insulin, and this morning when I got up my morning blood sugar was 180. It was SOOO weird, like I just forgot for a few minutes that I am diabetic. My brain just fell out of my head. This morning I have done well, and so far so good. I am really stressed at work, so I think that is keeping my blood sugar elevated no matter what I eat.
But I am overall doing a bit better I think. Except my apparent food suicide attempts. Everything will be under control soon. I am feeling clearer headed.

crawling out of the grief

I am slowly starting to feel better. I am feeling like an actual person slowly but surely. I am starting to take a bit better care of myself. I am trying not to feel so stressed. I did have a bright spot. I tried a product that Dr Morstein recommended to make soda at home. I got a soda stream maker, and have been making my own diet soda with stevia and various extracts. It has been a bit of a bright healthy spot for me, and given me a fun little tidbit to steal my focus. It is fun to watch the fizzy bubbles.
I actually had a healthy and appropriate breakfast, and feel better today.
I think there is hope.

starting to see light again

I am slowly putting myself back together. I still have to make an appointment with Dr. Morstein. I am having a very difficult time with grief. I am sort of scared to talk to her. I am in this very odd comfortable place of darkness, grief, and denial. I feel like if I talk to her, or anybody for that matter it will all be real, and somehow it all isn't right now. I feel like I am existing in this parallel universe somehow. It all feels strange and scary. But I have a few feelings of hope brewing around in there. I feel like some light might start peeking through. Hopefully there will be some peace in there too. Maybe it will help when I have finished picking up all the ashes of all the "chilgren" from the vets office. Just when I start getting the hang of my new reality I have to make another trip up there to pick up. Slow steps.

still dealing with everything

Dr. Morstein suggested I make an appointment with her to learn about some homeopathic ways to deal with grief. I think I will take her up on it. I still feel like I am really struggling. I did finally go on Saturday and purchase some groceries, and that is helping me eat a little better. Trying to have any moment of healthy eating without groceries in the house is a big struggle. I know that I really have to start this plan all over again. I have to take care of myself. I just have to keep telling that to myself. I am no good to anybody or anything if I am not healthy, I just become a burden to everybody else. I think I will call Dr Morstein today and make an appointment.

dealing with grief

I spent the past days miserable. We have lost three of our kitties in the last three weeks. It is beyond devastating. It has been difficult for me to take care of myself. My blood sugar has been through the roof, only the fear that shoots though my whole being when I get thirsty or something else I perceive as an immediate complication (like my foot hurting) snaps me back to an immediate frightening reality. Only then do I check my blood sugar and take my medicine. It is terrifying, it is awful, it is such a dark place. A little part of me feels like my heart hurts so much I don't care how I feel.