I have had a few workouts with James since my last post. I have been embarrassed to blog about them. But I am trying to think of everything positively. At my workout prior to the butt kicking I received today, I started crying in the middle of it. I felt weak, I felt scared, and it was not very fun. Thankfully James is wonderful, and we had a little therapy session and I continued. I have been so upset by that, I finally figured that everything is coming up on the anniversary of my trip to ICU. I am doing the same things that I did at this time last year, and I am on a paralyzing thought path of, "did that make me sick?" Fear was my big reaction, I cancelled my appointment with Dr Morstein, I took a week off from James. I hid.
However, today, I walked into the light, I worked out so hard that my tummy hurt, and I rescheduled my appointment with Dr Morstein. My weight is completely out of control, but I know it is because of the amount of insulin I am taking. I feel like a rusted up machine, slowly trying to start working again. I know it is all connected, the more I work out, the better I eat, the less insulin I have to take, the better I feel. I KNOW that is how it works, it is so difficult to follow that path. Why is everything so scary right now?
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