I had my first meeting with James last night. It was fantastic. We did all of my measurements, which was mildly humiliating. Thank goodness James is so kind and wonderful about that process. I really might have had a nervous breakdown with anyone else. We did the first round of strength tests and even that kicked my butt! My tummy is sore today. But I feel great. I just need to stop eating like I have a death wish and I will be on the right track. It is hard to do everything right at the same time. I will get the hang of it. I am excited to set goals and get working. I am nervous that James is going ot post all my measurements for the world. Talk about accountability!! Thank goodness for James!! I am so excited for this journey.

meeting with James

Today is my first meeting of the new year with James at Alternatives. I have worked with him before, but I am nervous about today. I feel super fat and jiggly with all the water I have on my body. That impedes my movement. I feel like a giant gross sponge. I have heard and read that insulin makes you gain weight, I don't feel like I have actually gained weight, it feels like water. I feel all sloshy and gross. I hope James can help with that. I think I need to see my doctor and see if it is time for another round of meds to help lose the water. Am I just making excuses because I am freaked out about exercising? We will see how today goes. I am excited and scared! But I trust James, so I know it will go well.

pushing through

I sent my email to James at Alternatives to make my first appointment for training. I am very proud of myself.
I am mortified from standing on the scale. I almost threw up. 213 pounds! Before I went into the hospital I was 173, that was my lowest weight since I was 16 years old. I was so happy the first time I saw a number beginning with 1, instead of 2 or even 3 there for a while. I feel like a complete failure before I am even getting started.
My blood sugar is all over the map today, high this morning, then total crash before lunch, and now I am sure I ate too much for lunch and I am in for another dose of insulin this afternoon. Great, more insulin means more water weight gain!! Can working with James counteract this? Can Dr Mona help me not have to take so much insulin? Does this happen to everybody? Oh gosh! What if my weight isn't a result of water gain!! I can't even think about it!!

I am scared of exercise

I have a confession to make. I am scared of exercising. I have been scared ever since my incident in June. I had been working out regularly until my trip to the hospital, but I haven't broken a sweat since then. Somehow I am scared that exercising or exerting myself will make me sick somehow again. I know it is a very odd connection to make but my brain is associating those things together. I am almost scared to pick up the phone and call James to get started. I am scared it will make me sick all over again. But I feel terrible and FAT and bloated and depressed. I hope exercise can help all of those things. I know they can. I will call him.

getting started

I don't traditionally do new year's resolutions. But I have decided to turn my eyes forward and look towards a year of good health. 2008 was a real eye opener for me. I learned you could lose a bunch of weight (I have lost over 100 pounds) and still not be healthy. In June of this past year I spend a week in ICU with a complication from diabetes. I almost lost my life to a fairly common complication of which I had never heard an utterance. I thought I was doing everything right, being "healthy," but I wasn't. I am spending this year discovering what it really means to be healthy in mind, body and spirit. I have a group of people ready to assist, I know I cannot do it alone. I know I can't. I am still very angry about having an illness that absolutely controls my life. I am deeply saddened that I feel like this was preventable. I am humbled that it was not my time to leave this earth. I am thankful that I have the wonderful support of my beautiful spouse. I am terrified that I will end up in the hospital again. I am determined I won't. Health. I will find out what it means. I will attain it.